Jul 15 – Agony Aunt Corner With Stefano

Written on 15 July 2016.

It’s Friday so Stefano puts on Radio 4, sits down on the sofa with his floral M&S dressing gown and makes a nice cup of tea ready to provide fun solutions to YOUR problems. He’s taken on the role of our local agony aunt and today replies to questions you’ve sent him over the last seven days. Email your problems (in the strictest confidence) to: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

THE PROBLEM

Dear Aunty

There's this really hot guy who works in Marks & Spencers, you may have seen him, he's from South America but his English is really good too. I go in there sometimes to buy those giant cookies but now I am going in there a bit too often and I hang around near the pasta bit to see if he is on the till. All the girls in my office fancy him too but they are married, apart from one, but we think she's gay but anyway, she may still find him cute. So, last month, I go and buy a cookie and he serves me and he says that the white chocolate ones are his favourite too, and then he smiled at me (he has really good teeth). I told this to the girls in the office and then they all started buying the white chocolate ones on purpose, just to make conversation with him. Then I thought I better stop buying the cookies as I was getting fat and actually was addicted to them, and he wouldn't want me if I put on weight as he is super-slim and buff. So, then I was in there one evening buying wine and as I was bending down he appeared beside me and asked if I needed any help. I just wanted to get some cheap plonk to take round to a friend's house as we were getting pizza, I thought I should get something Italian but I don't know anything about wine. Then the hot guy told me he was from Argentina and that Argentinian wine was the best and recommended a bottle and I bought it. Since that day I have been in there and bought at least 10 bottles of that wine on the off-chance he would be serving. I am off the cookies but now addicted to that red wine, will he think I'm an alcoholic? The girls in my office have stopped talking to me as they say I am behaving like a slut. Am I? Help.

K J G (25 years old)

THE SOLUTION

Hey K Dawg,

Yeah, I’ve seen him. Not that I’m into him or anything, I’m just in M&S a lot, I’ve taken the liberty of including a list of things that are particularly good from there at the very bottom of this. I like the bit where you say “we think she’s gay”, office assumptions, maybe she’s going home with cookie guy every night. Anyway, vamos a lo que vamos.

First of all, your problem with the girls in the office isn’t that you are supposedly acting like a slut, because I really don’t think buying wine and cookies regardless of whether you just want to indulge in the finer things in life or whether you’re using it as a means of talking to this guy, is acting like a slut. However, if you’re by the cookies section dropping the tongs on the floor on purpose, bending over and rubbing yourself on the guy and then making sure your shirt is unbuttoned half way down as you go to the till, they might be right. But I’ve got a feeling you’re not doing this. My advice for this, for your relationship with these girls is CUT. THEM. OUT. Just kidding, don’t be bitchy but if you feel there’s some animosity on the subject just don’t talk about it, don’t go with them when they go to M&S, keep your shopping for after work or when you know you can go alone. Nobody needs that negative energy during the most crucial time, food shopping. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I’d rather people didn’t talk to me if they weren’t going to say anything worth my time, so if they’ve stopped talking to you who cares.

On to this dude. I really don’t know anything about him but I’m lead to believe he’s either of these options: 

1. He doesn’t really exist, for a number of reasons:

• I’ve never seen him outside of M&S
• Someone so buff doesn’t eat cookies
• How could he have such good teeth?
• Think about it
• Nor does he drink wine
• He looks too serious, loosen up, Jimmy!

2. He enjoys talking to people because it’s the most interesting thing that happens in his boring till shift

3. He’s actually into you

I mean, the ideal situation is the third, of course, and if this is the case don’t worry about getting fat because of the cookies or becoming an alcoholic. If he’s into you he’ll accept your fat alcoholic self, or get you to subscribe to his healthy lifestyle or something. So there’s no need to worry about that. But of course as much as I believe that, for your sake you might want to stop eating cookies and drinking wine every day, just for your health. 

So here’s what you need to do:

Cool it. Cool it with the people from work, cool it with this dude, cool it with the cookies and cool it with the wine. 

Ignore the girls from work, especially because they’re married and jealous and wish they were getting spoken to by tall hot Argentinian gaucho, instead of sweaty chubby Gibraltarian chorizo at home. 

With the guy, don’t be so obvious, try and play it cool and see how he reacts. Don’t go in to the shop all the time even if you want to see him, you’ll be able to gauge where you stand better I reckon if you go every once in a while, see if he’s really interested.

Although the cookies are good, and we regularly eat them in my office, there are possibly healthier alternatives in the shop and if you’re not so inclined there’s even a whole bakery section full of delicious things. As for the wine, I’m not a connoisseur, so I don’t know, but of course everybody is going to say their things are the best. I’ve lived with people from France, Italy, Spain and Argentina who have all told me their wine is better, their men and women are more attractive and they’re the best at football. If we made wine in Gibraltar (which if I’m not mistaken is actually going to happen soon) we’d say it’s the best, guaranteed. We have a couple of wine shops with more variety in quality and origin of wine where you can get advice from an expert or as close to an expert as possible, and not somebody who is quite possibly drinking the only Argentinian wine on offer because there’s a staff discount and it reminds him of home.

And now, here’s a list of other things you can buy at M&S that are better than cookies and wine, and will make you look like an exotic flamingo instead of a passed out drunk Sesame Street cookie monster. 

• Croissants. Great even plain.
• Potato and rosemary loaf of bread. Great with just butter.
• Salt and vinegar crisps. All varieties are good.
• Lemon curd ice cream.
• Wasabi peas.
• These biscuits they’ve got with like dry fruit, they come individually packed, in three’s or two’s, in boxes.
• Their chocolates are good.
• Their taste of the summer section is preeeetty great.

Anyway, good luck K, and for the record, hipster Gandalf is the coolest M&S employee, jus’ sayin’.

S C B S (26 years old)