Editor's Blog May 16th 2012
Gymnasium
I have two words for you today, (you have to say them in an Austrian Accent) ‘Gym Nasium’. Ok, I know Gymnasium is one word, but every time I hear the word it is always the great Arnold Schwarzenegger that I think of, strutting around calling all us lesser mortals ‘girly men’ and telling us that he will cover us and for us to go to Da Choppah.
The name gymnasium is derived from the Ancient Greek term ‘Gymnos’, which apparently means naked. The related verb ‘Gymnazo’, whose meaning is to train naked. Now that awkwardness is out of the way, a bit of history.
The Greeks would compete nude so that other people who were not fitness inclined would appreciate the naked male body and the athletes themselves would be offering their bodies as tributes to the gods.
Now, I don’t know about you, but the sight of a large bloke on steroids squatting 120kg from behind with no clothes on, would be a sight so terrible that it would be akin to looking a Gorgon right in the eye, turning your body to stone and your blood to water, which will slowly dribble out of your nose.
Modern gymnasiums will allow no such antics (at least the ones I have been to) and there is, almost in all cases, a certain etiquette that must be adhered to. That’s out on the floor, in the showers for some it is almost some kind of Greek revival.
When I was a young lad I was very body conscious and used to hate communal shower time after P.E, due to the fact that by age nine I already had a moustache, a monobrow and a lot of body hair to go with it. Not that the other boys would say anything. I started a rumor that I was a werewolf and I guess it sunk in that if you mess with a werewolf you may not finish your shower.
As I grew older into my late teens, early twenties and beyond, communal showers were the norm, at least in the military. It was here that I developed a system of shower etiquette when walking around other naked or semi naked men.
- Towel around waist at all times when moving from A to B.
- Everything you need must be prepared prior to stripping down and placed at waist height.
- Maintain an area of at least two meters of personal space, any incursions into that space must be met with a glare and then spreading of arms uttering the words ‘Hey back away pal’
- Absolutely no eye contact.
- Absolutely no eye contact below the waist.
- No sitting down, this puts you in direct field of vision of anything that happens not to be adhering to bullet point 1.
- If you happen to drop your soap do not attempt to retrieve it.
- If anyone one drops their soap turn around look at ceiling and start whistling the theme tune to the Great Escape.
- Never flex any muscle group in front of the mirror in the changing area.
- Never ask anyone to squeeze your bicep or any other muscle.
- Conversation should be kept to keeping people out of your personal space.
- Never talk about hair products, hair dryers, moisturizers, and tattoos or compliment anyone on the size of their biceps or any other muscle group for that matter.
- Spend no more than 15 minutes in the shower area.
- When leaving, look directly at the floor, bidding farewells if necessary.
The Greeks were and still are a liberal bunch, with their naked wrestling and ball games. They seem pretty comfortable with it all and I think there is somewhat a revival in reveling in ones naked glory, but only if you have that perfect body to start off with. Until then, one will have to skulk in the shadows or wait until everyone one has gone.
Ed.
