Jun 15 - World Cup Wallies
By Stefano Blanca Sciacaluga
The World Cup Russia 2018 Sochi Olympic Mystery Game has started and I know it has because I can already hear the whispers of women all over Gibraltar complaining about having to do everything alone around the house because “Dagla está pegao al television todo el santo día”, it’s not like she gets any help from el Dagla anyway, que no ha pegao un palo al agua en cinco años, pero lo que molesta es que hay partido at the same time as Sálvame.
Just kidding, I heard the World Cup was starting because it’s impossible not to. Every two years Gibraltar goes football mad (yes, I mean the Euros too, I’m not a doofus), more than it usually is; so even if I haven’t watched a news channel since I watched that crazy guy that screams on CNN last time I went away on business, I still found out.
So once again, like during every other international football competition, the same characters crawl out of humans’ insides and make an appearance everywhere.
The complainer
There are a bunch of these people already doing the rounds on my Facebook feed, “has it been four years already?” Yes, it has been four years, and nobody cares that you don’t like football. These kind of people don’t just complain during international competitions, they complain all year round (“just a bunch of guys running after a ball...”), but they know they’ll get more likes during the World Cup. Nobody cares, Rick, your sport is darts...”sport”.
The casual fan
I’m in here, this is me. I know a little but not a lot, I like to watch and I get pumped, I choose a team and I won’t go out with a football shirt on and a flag but inside I know what I’m supporting. Cut me open and I bleed just regular blood, not any sort of football blood, don’t cut me open. I’m not that excited about all of this but if it means I get to hang out with friends, drink beer and scream at a television in a pub, it’s perfect. I like doing that. And I like people that are like me. In this group you don’t only find guys but also girls, because it’s the best kind of person to be during a World Cup, you can watch a few matches with these people and their relaxed attitude to “the game” (football, not Triple H). S’all good with this bunch.
The cool football fan
In this group are the kind of people that follow football on the regular, and that’s cool. The best thing about these people is that they’re so tired from the mental gymnastics of learning everything about football throughout the year that when the World Cup comes along they’re pretty ‘lax about it. They’ll follow it and get pumped but they’re still hopeful England will somehow get far, and when they don’t it’s all good, they don’t stress.
El pesao
The complainers are bad, but now it’s getting even worse. It’s the second day of the World Cup and I’ve already seen a bunch of guys on social media being really annoying about the whole thing. Just like the complainers, nobody really cares how much you like football, or how many players you know, or your statistical predictions on how countries will do. Nobody cares, man. These people are the ones most likely to fall flat on their faces, the kind of people that are convinced this one country will win and tells you you’re wrong every time you disagree, and is likely to lose it constantly, but they couldn’t be more wrong every single time. They’re a bit of a joke, to be honest.
The cien por cien Llani
These people are pretty bad and make us all look like una maná de burros. These kind of people will support any team that plays against Spain and instead of being upfront and admitting they’re doing it because of some irrational fear of our friends across the border, try instead to find some obscure link to the other country, to justify their dumb way of being. “Senegal all the way. El vecino de un primo de mi abuelo conoció una vez a una gachí de Senegal. Me corre por las venas bro!”, only to confuse Senegal for the Ivory Coast in the next World Cup. These people also bought all their football snacks in Mercadona (cue that Kermit meme).
The hooligans
These kind of people are pretty much the worst in any situation, in and out of World Cup time. They are the kind of people who will fight a total stranger just because. They will throw a punch at a bar at 3pm on a Monday because England is playing France and there’s a “frog” at the next table (it’s not even a French person after all). These people live in their football shirt the whole time and are most likely to paint the flag of their country on their face, and get it wrong. These people are not just volatile and pretty dangerous but just boring and pointless and dumb. There’s no time for these people.
The worst people of all time
OK, so some of these people I’ve mentioned are bad. They’re really bad. Really, really bad. But nothing is worse than the people the cameras focus on seconds after the final whistle in semi-finals or finals. The kind of people bawling their eyes out because some millionaires they DON’T KNOW didn’t manage to score enough goals to win.
These are the worst people of all time because they use US and WE when referring to the team they support.
All I’m saying is just have fun and keep an eye out for all these people, and drink a beer.
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