Mar 31 - Life As A Series Of Tough Decisions

Written on 31 March 2016.

By Stefano Blanca Sciacaluga

If you really think about it, in life all we do is make decisions, decisions that dictate the paths of our lives. Now, within these decisions there are obviously some which are easier and some that are more complex. Like for instance: should I jump out of this moving vehicle or should I put up with this taxi driver who doesn't stop telling me he needs to pee really badly but won't take any of my suggestions? It's a no-brainer, I should've jumped. Or another example: should I really go home now or should I buy another round? Well, this one's a little harder and ultimately dependent on how many rounds have been had already. But you get the idea. Then, of course, there are a lot of much harder life-changing decisions, but those come few and far between and if you're lucky they just seem to figure themselves out.

Thankfully most of my decisions are of the easy variety, but for some reason I even have some trouble with those. Let me explain: I'm twenty-six, with chronic anxiety, and what I suspect (as I previously mentioned) is some form of ADHD. All of this ultimately means I get horrible FOMO, my mind is in constant overdrive but I am sometimes crippled by anxiety. In other words: I have become extremely indecisive. I have an immense fear of missing out on the finer things in life, I want to be everywhere at once and do everything and nothing all the time.

All of this means, of course, that I am faced with a bunch of tough decisions on a daily basis, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to when I go to bed at night. Actually the first one happens before I even go to bed. I set my alarm every night because I don't trust that it'll work if I just leave it on. So every night it's the same situation: I look at the (ridiculous amount of) alarm options on my iPhone and think to myself for a while, "should I go for the 7:30am alarm, which gives me ample time to do everything I need to do in the morning and not have to rush to work; or should I set it for the realistic 8/8:15/8:20?" I know the earlier time is better for me, but I also enjoy catching up on my Instagram in bed first thing and rushing to work, which ultimately means nobody can stop me first thing in the morning to have a pointless chat, because I WILL be late; and setting it for 7:30 has only shown me, recently, that I'll probably snooze until 8:30. Then throughout the day I'll talk to people, message them and arrange to collaborate on projects, or to go for coffee or for a drink after work. But then I spend the rest of the day thinking about how much better it would be to just get into bed right after work and watch TV for a few hours, even if I love having coffee and a good chat to get the mind off work, after a long day.

Whilst these are just on the day to day I also have trouble deciding what I want to do within the near future. So I'll take a really long time to decide if I want to go away anywhere, or I'll find it difficult to decide which project deserves more attention - from the many I stupidly start simultaneously - and end up with a bunch of unfinished bits and pieces instead, which isn't productive or good. My biggest long-term decision however is whether I should exercise the mind or the body. As in, I feel like I live a healthy-ish lifestyle but know I could do much better, but would I rather spend the little spare time I have, or seem to have (not doing too great with time management lately), reading, writing, watching documentaries or making music, or should I take care of this blobby body of mine and get physical, physical, I wanna get physical? I think given my track record I always choose the first option, which might mean I'm actually not as bad at decision making as I thought, but deep inside I have a strong urge to choose the second. Perhaps it's society's pressures but I feel like beating myself up might have a few more benefits than learning about things I will never be a part of, like space exploration. And so here I find myself in my toughest decision, that I've had to deal with constantly for the past, I don't know, more than ten years: do I want to fit into more clothes, have more options, or do I want to try more flavours? Because I love both things. I love clothes but can't fit into everything I wish I could, and I also love food, luckily a little something inside me tells me to stop if things are getting too out of hand (which is great). Of course I can't do both, as much as I'd love to, I can't be a pig in a nice shirt. So ultimately my question is: out of the finer things in life, in this case beautiful clothes and a beautiful lasagne, which is worth more? Which is the finer of the two? Which brings me to a whole load of other questions such as: what is worth more of my time? What will I enjoy for longer? Is the amount of time that something is enjoyed for stronger than the level of enjoyment itself? Can I go on like this? Why do I find it so hard to decide on simple things? Why do I have a possibly-worse-than-dad-bod-bod? Who's cursed me? Why do I love food so much?