Feb 06 - Achtung Bitte: TinTin In Berlin
By Stefano Blanca Sciacaluga
I’m writing this up in the air, on my way home after a six day business trip to Berlin. Tired, cramped on a Ryanair plane, desperate to get back home and feeling lucky that I won’t have to go back to Berlin for another twelve months.
I’ve been to different places in Germany five or six times in the past three years, that’s five or six times more than I had ever been to Germany before that. It’s nice, Germany. The people aren’t as cold as you’re made to believe, everything is fairly well organised and clean and being a linguist, given the chance to experience a new language of which I know very little is always a nice challenge.
I’m a walker. I love seeing cities on foot, those bus tours are not for me, I prefer to get some comfortable clothes on, grab a camera, Google Maps on my phone and just walk; and so I did. I made it a point that if I had some free time I would explore more of the city than what I got to see in the two previous times I’d been, last year. So I grabbed my camera, re-downloaded the Berlin subway app, located the nearest S-Bahn station to my hotel and took the trip Sonnenalle - Ostkreuz - Alexanderplatz, to find myself at the base of the huge Berlin TV Tower, in what is supposedly the ‘centre’ of Berlin.
But don’t be fooled. I’ve been to a good amount of cities in Europe, some several times which means I know them well, and if there’s one thing that cities in Europe, and possible everywhere else in the world, have in common is that they all have a city centre, a historic centre or something along those lines. An area, sometimes pedestrianised, where you can walk around, shop, drink, eat, and probably see a monument or two, or three, or all of them in the city. An area where you can safely say you have experienced the city. So like all good tourists, when I first went to Berlin in February 2017 I Googled “Berlin city centre”. Now this is like every big city, where there’s so much about it online that it takes more Googling than say looking for info about Gibraltar, where we have like two touristy websites and the rest is just Tripadvisor reviews of the Angry Friar and The Horseshoe. So bearing that in mind, and using some of my general knowledge I Google Mapped “Brandenburg Gate” and assuming it would be in the ‘city centre’ I took my boss and a colleague there in a taxi. It was a ridiculously cold beginning of February evening, at about five when it is already dark, there was a little snow on the pavements and a thick mist that made the Brandenburg Gate look like it was out of some cheap horror movie. We walked under the Gate, down the Unter den Linden avenue and turned off a side street eventually finding a restaurant for some warmth and a bite to eat.
Fast forward a month and a bit and I’m back in Berlin. This time for longer than 24 hours and with the advantage of going purely for tourism, with whole days to play with. And so we walked around, back to the Brandenburg Gate, the Reichstag, the Jewish memorial and then I got lost (on purpose) around Mitte. I love European cities, and especially because I’m always in awe at how great everything is, how beautiful the buildings are, but on this walk around Mitte I might as well have been on some disappointing hop on hop off red bus. I later spent a couple more days in museums and other historical areas which I must admit was fun. But I remember leaving Berlin wanting more from it. So I went back to Gibraltar and Googled and Googled for hours on end, trying to see what I’d missed, trying to make sure that the next time, this year, I’d be a little more prepared.
I left Gibraltar last Tuesday. And I had had plenty of time during the weekend and the weeks prior to the trip trying to find things to do and see; and it was five minutes before setting off on an S-Bahn adventure and I still had absolutely no clue where to go. I spent the whole twenty minute trip to Alexanderplatz Googling and by the time I got there the only thing I knew for certain was that I would just have to walk and walk and walk and hope I’d come across something nice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those ignorant tourists, that goes on a cruise and never sets foot off the boat, even if it’s stopped in a bunch of beautiful cities; or the kind of tourist that goes to Spain on a weekend bender and doesn’t see more than the dirty strip of clubs geared towards guiris, the cheap hotel and the duty free in the departure lounge. I want to see things.
That afternoon I ended up walking seven of the most underwhelming kilometres of my life. I’m not going to say I would’ve rather walked on a treadmill staring at a wall for two hours, because that’s just rude, but as I walked down a grey road lined with big office and apartment buildings from Checkpoint Charlie to the Brandenburg Gate in the freezing cold, I started to question my decision. But I persevered and walked for a good bit more and finally when it was too dark to take photos on my tiny film camera and with achey legs and frozen ears I decided to call it a day. Within a half hour I was back in the warmth of my hotel room, lying on the bed, iPad in front of my face and once again Googling for the next day. I just couldn’t find anything that really sounded interesting to see, so once again I decided I would set out on another adventure into the unknown.
On the second day I had a mission, to buy some electronics, early in the morning, and so decided there would be nothing better than finding a good breakfast spot, to start the day off well. Having a nice breakfast is one of the things I live for. I just cannot get enough. So the minute I woke up I started Googling “Berlin top breakfast”, “Berlin best breakfast”, “Berlin breakfast spots”. I wish I had my search history, so you could see how long it took me to find the one place that looked alright (although their website had no photos of their food, only of some plants) only to walk for half an hour to this cafe, ignoring others on the way, finding it closed at 10am on a Wednesday and having to settle for a cafe that looked nice but ended up serving me a burnt bagel (“is not black is well toast”) about twenty minutes after serving me a weak coffee that I had ordered ten minutes prior to that, together with the bagel, after walking right through the door. I was disappointed, with a burnt mouth, considerably emptier wallet and made my way back to the closest S-Bahn station writing an angry review on their Facebook page, “nice cafe, nice music, but expensive and bagel came burnt”.
I was angry, I didn’t know what else to feel about this city that had been hyped up so much by so many people but I had had such a strange experience in. But because I believe in second chances I thought I’d give nature in the city a try and headed, that afternoon, to the Tiergarten, possibly Berlin’s biggest green area in the city. The final straw. It was bleak, muddy, cold and boring and I ended up walking out of the park and along the avenue that heads towards the Victory Column, a supposed ‘must’. Must not go out of your way more like. I guess it’s okay, but nothing to throw fireworks about. I walked around a little more and just like the previous day, when it got too dark I called it a day.
I believe in second chances. I believe in third and fourth and fifth chances. I met an English guy on the S-Bahn that told me he moved to Berlin from London because it’s less busy and they actually have a summer, so maybe that’s the key, to go in the summer. But right now I need to return next February and I don’t think I’ll want to go to Berlin again unless I really have to. Like, what’s so great about Berlin? I hear so many people tell me how good it is, how it’s this amazing place full of life with plenty of things to do and I’m starting to believe there’s another Berlin, like how Italians have Monaco, the rich one and then they called Munich, which they call Monaco too, but this time Monaco di Baviera. Could I be in the wrong Berlin? Don’t get be wrong, the history of the place is fascinating, I loved going to museums and reading signs on the street explaining everything, and going into huge Wikipedia holes but it seems most of the appeal is in its history.
Mind you, I did go for a nice walk in the snow last night, ate some typical German food which was nice and I had some of the best Italian food I’ve ever had outside of Italy in a small restaurant, the first time I ever went. But I’m open to suggestions. Email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. with places to go, cafes to try, must see things, great bars and restaurants, artsy places, etc. I’ll be returning next year and I think it would be unfair on Germans to slag off their smelly, boring capital a second time round.
PS: Please no fetish clubs, I suspect that’s what y’all think is so amazing about Berlin, you saucy devils.
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