Apr 12 - Nothing Impresses Her Much
A comprehensive review of Shania Twain’s 1998 top ten hit
By Stefano Blanca Sciacaluga
I was born in the eighties. Well, I was born at the end of the eighties and properly opened my eyes and started absorbing information at the beginning of the nineties. This of course means that by the time 1998 rolled by my brain was ready to create some proper memories; and one of these memories is the stupid video for Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much”. Now, I was nine when that song came out and after hearing it for what seemed like a very long time at the time and regularly over the years, thanks to GBC and their ten-song catalogue, I was always under the impression that it must have been a number one hit, but it wasn’t. “That Don’t Impress Me Much” supposedly made it to eight in the charts, which is a great feat, but was met at first with some criticism for being a pop song from what was meant to be a country musician, eventually making her a crossover hit.
I must admit, I rarely sit down to think of lyrics. I know them, I sing them, I read them but I hardly sit down to think of the full story behind them; and it wasn’t until recently that I stopped to think of the lyrics to this absolutely ridiculous song. But it all starts with the video. I’m trying to do this from memory, I’m not going to give in to temptation and watch it, but I do seem to remember her being in some sort of hooded leopard print thing and there being all these half-dead dudes playing white guitars. Or was that the video for “Man! I Feel Like a Woman”? I’m probably wrong; it would make more sense for it to be from the video for “Man! I Feel Like a Woman”, which if I’m honest is just as ridiculous. So back to the dumbest song of all time, because I truly believe it is. So the video is the first ridiculous thing about it. Like I said, leopard print thing, I’m thinking a desert… I’m not entirely sure and I’ll watch it later.
Anyway. So what’s brought me here are the lyrics of this song, because for the first time ever (just kidding I’ve done this before) I sat down and paid attention to these lyrics, so here is a comprehensive review of the lyrics to Shania Twain’s 1998 top ten hit “That Don’t Impress Me Much”. Firstly I’d like to say I really hope she wrote this and not some boring male ghost writer, but anyway, let’s take a look at this.
Verse One
I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being right down to an art
You think you're a genius-you drive me up the wall
You're a regular original, a know-it-all
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else
She’s started off strong here, but I really don’t see an issue with this verse. She’s talking about a guy in particular but comparing him to others she’s come across. She’s saying how he’s un creido heavy and that’s okay, because I’ve seen that everywhere, there are guys like that literally everywhere (and women, don’t get me wrong, but this is about men and a lot of men are up their own botties).
I don’t think I get the “you’re a regular original” bit. Does she mean like “these crisps are regular, original flavour” (i.e. boring)? Despite this I get this verse, it all makes sense, it’s all about female empowerment and it works, even if you really shouldn’t knock regular, original flavour crisps because all crisps are equally as good.
Chorus One
Okay, so you're a rocket scientist
That don't impress me much
So you got the brain but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much
As a musician my first complaint here is how quickly she’s gone to the chorus. The usual formula is of having two verses before a chorus. Bash ‘em a bit more before you get silly, Shania. There’s so much you can say about men. But as strong as the song started it fell to the ground.
What the hell are you after, Shania? Who isn’t impressed by a rocket scientist? They’re not only ultra smart but probably have a nice pay check too, which only means more cowboy boots for you, friend. So then she’s like “don’t get me wrong, yeah I think you’re alright”, which is cool. She’s not impressed by this rocket scientist but I think she just wants to look like she’s not impressed, which is why she’s like “you’re alright”, she doesn’t want to seem too into him, and that’s fair enough, you know.
Now, this song is a proper rollercoaster of emotions. It’s all up and downs, it’s all muy bien and muy mal. She hasn’t only said she isn’t impressed by the fact that he is a rocket scientist, but to make matters worse she doubts his engineering capabilities. I’m sorry, Shania, but I’m sure a rocket scientist could figure something out how to keep you warm in the middle of the night; even if it means buying you the best blanket available with his NASA money. I mean, it’s cold in space and they’ve got technology us normal humans on earth couldn’t even think of so I’m sure he’s got a blanket that will definitely keep you warm all through the night and into the morning, even if you’re not impressed by the technology.
Verse Two
I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket
And a comb up his sleeve-just in case
And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it
'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall outta place
OK, so what are you complaining about now? I agree, men who carry a mirror in their pocket and a comb up their sleeve are creepy and weird and stupid, but you’ve never known a guy like that, just stick to what you know, S. Also, you can’t knock a man for trying to look presentable and having good hair. I realise she’s probably used to these country men, rugged and weather worn, with no time for any grooming but I’m sure by the time she put this song out she was living in Beverly Hills. Stupid verse, no time for it.
Chorus Two
Okay, so you're Brad Pitt
That don't impress me much
So you got the looks but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much
Once again, very silly. I would one hundred percent be impressed by Brad Pitt. I mean, if I saw Brad Pitt down the street I’d definitely take a photo with him, and I’m not even a fan or anything, although he was excellent in Inglorious Basterds and I have that on DVD because it was cheap in HMV this one time. I’ve tried to stay away from reading about this song but when I was Googling the lyrics I couldn’t help but see a little link preview that said something along the lines of that she wasn’t impressed by Brad Pitt’s physique, which made her write the song. I get it, you can do what you like, but don’t mention his name in the song! Career-ruining stuff! Just kidding, the fact is Shania Twain is just another singer from the 90s and Brad Pitt is a multi-million dollar hot piece of ass, especially for fifty four. That impress me much!
Verse Three
You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in
I can't believe you kiss your car good night
C'mon baby tell me-you must be jokin', right!
I think I have to agree with you on this one, Shania. Anybody who takes extreme care of their ‘machine’ is boring. Anybody who calls their vehicle a ‘machine’ is boring. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never had a brand new car, but I don’t see myself polishing a car ever; but as somebody who likes to take good care of their stuff I understand the bit where he makes her take her shoes off, because she’s been stepping all up in her crap career right before hopping in his brand new Chrysler PT Cruiser with the cherry Pongo freshener.
This dude has definitely not had kids yet though, because all that keeping the car in pristine condition is going out the window the minute a kid vomits all over the back of the passenger seat and stuffs Wotsits in the gaps next to the seatbelt clip. Also, what the hell are you playing at? Where is somebody meant to leave their shoes when they get in a car? Isn’t it the same thing as leaving them on. You must be joking, Dustin, it’s just a car.
Chorus Three
Okay, so you've got a car
That don't impress me much
So you got the moves but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
This is getting old now, stop going on about the car. Yes, there are other modes of transport, some better, some worse, but the guy loves his car. Let him have it, you’ve got that ugly leopard jacket thing from the video which I’m sure you take good care of and wouldn’t let anybody tell you you shouldn’t wear, so let him have his car.
Once again, this guy right here can definitely keep you warm in the middle of the night. This past winter it got really cold in my car so I turned the heater on a couple of times and trust me, a car will heat you up. Also, if this guy is taking so much care of his car he probably has something nice, heated seats, the works. Why they’re driving around in the middle of the night is a mystery though, go to bed.
Ending
Okay, so what do you think you're Elvis or something...
That don't impress me much!
…
You're Tarzan!
Captain Kirk maybe.
John Wayne.
Whatever!
That don't impress me much!
So she’s been trying to play it cool the whole song, but by the time the ending comes along she’s absolutely lost it. What do all these people have to do with the rest of the song? I’d be impressed by Elvis. Maybe not Tarzan or Captain Kirk, or John Wayne but as one of the biggest cultural icons of all time, the King of Rock ’n’ Roll, Elvis was a big deal. If you’re not impressed by Elvis then nothing can impress you, and I’m sure there’s some psychological diagnosis for that condition. Also, Shania, if you marketed yourself as a country singer there’s no way you can’t dig Elvis, his style ultimately came from country music.
In conclusion, this song is hot trash. Shania Twain just comes off as someone who’s way too into themselves and stuck up their own bottie. How any man would be comfortable living with her knowing that not even the King of Rock ’n’ Roll can impress her is beyond me. Those are some big shoes to fill, friend! I’m assuming there’s more to this song, perhaps it was a weird attempt at female empowerment but she did that so much better with her other song (I don’t recall her having more than two songs). I would not recommend Shania Twain, I give her a 2/10, for effort, especially because in my head I got her mixed up with Cher for a second. I remember when I was super young I heard Cher was older than she looked because she’d had so much surgery done and it was really weird and kinda scary if I’m honest.
In any case Loretta Lynn’s “Fist City” is a better tale of women being strong than this stupid song could ever be. Once you’ve seen the best why try to aim higher? Anyway, here’s a little bit from “Fist City” so you can see what I mean.
Come on and tell me what you told my friends
If you think you're brave enough
And I'll show you what a real woman is
Since you think you're hot stuff
You'll bite off more than you can chew
If you get too cute or witty
You better move your feet if you don't wanna eat
A meal that's called Fist City
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