By Jonathan Ablitt

Pageantry is really popular in Gibraltar. What is typically a peripheral interest in most countries is, in Gibraltar, the subject of one of two annual events broadcast live on national TV. The Miss Gibraltar beauty pageant has survived by arguably adapting to acknowledge and incorporate certain modern feminist principles. Recent discourse is increasingly about female empowerment and positive reinforcement of femininity, not only as an outward aesthetic, but so too as a valid and encouraged social characteristic. Values such as independence and strength are entirely compatible with womanhood, and therefore, you don’t have to be a man, or be like a man, to hold and express them. This is the direction I like to think local pageantry is going. It is therefore incredibly exciting, albeit not entirely unexpected, to see pageantry jump the gender divide right here in Gibraltar. For years, the Gibraltarian male has been preening and pampering himself in preparation for this. Alas, the competition is tough and contestants must develop and display qualities that will impress the judges to give them that winning edge. This is a short guide to becoming a genuine contender to the Mr Gibraltar 2015 crown.

A sharp haircut is of utmost importance, and acquiring one of these typically involves an appointment with the world famous stylist, Mustafa. While his speciality is still the 2009 cresta (a variation on the timeless mullet), the fresh fade has since emerged in its place and is currently the haircut of choice amongst most young gentlemen. For those who dare, however, the slicked back undercut is what really impresses the judges. If you can pull off an undercut, get an undercut. These guys are the real winners. I believe the Government is offering a gel grant now too, so there really is little disadvantage to this haircut. The risk factor is undoubtedly the main problem: if things go wrong during the cut, you may end up with the ‘ice gem’, or worse (if Mustafa sneezes while holding the clippers), the ‘Fat Ronaldo’ of 2002. Don’t worry though, an Armani cap is surely the perfect way to cover up until it grows back out to Pablo Escobar proportions – then you can reattempt the undercut.

Appropriate physical proportions separate the winners from the rest. The Gibraltarian gentleman maintains a regular gym routine to condition his vodi for the pageant. A vodi differs slightly to a ‘body’ insofar as nothing below the waist matters. In Gibraltar, we bench-press far heavier than we squat. Some people ridicule us for this, but let’s be real: dedicating gym time to your legs just means you’re wasting time which could be spent on getting a massive pecho. Physicists at the University of Gibraltar are still baffled as to how we always manage to squeeze into size small t-shirts, regardless of the size of our pecho. Evolutionary biologists are also testing hypotheses that suggest we respire anaerobically, or have developed gills; because there is no way we could spend a whole afternoon on the beach without exhaling otherwise. Inevitably, curling in the squat rack in 30°C heat is no easy exploit (especially when turning the air-con on in the gym is considered a direct breach of the 2006 Gibraltar Constitution), but winning the coveted Mr Bicep title is every young Llanito’s dream, and so we plough on.

Confidence is absolutely vital. In order to be a winner, you must act like a winner. Beauty pageant winners wear sashes. What better way to get in the winning zone than to wear a sash? You’ll observe this magnificent Gibraltarian phenomenon all over the Rock: down Main Street, at the beach, in the VIP area in the club on a Friday night. These champions don’t go anywhere without their sash. The sash goes over one shoulder and across the pecho, and is known locally as el pouch. Other names include ‘man bag’, ‘man purse’, or (according to Alan from ‘The Hangover’) ‘a satchel’. The Gibraltarian gentleman will claim that el pouch is a useful and entirely necessary storage vessel. I find this hard to believe since pockets are a thing. What else do you need to carry on your person besides your phone, wallet and keys (and if you’re asthmatic, your inhaler)? Exactly. It’s a sash, there’s no two ways about it. You have to admire these young gentlemen for their confidence, and their dedication to success – especially those who only take them off to go swimming, revealing a white diagonal sash tan line. A winning pigment. Campeones.

If all of that seems too much, or if you’re currently sporting a 2002 ‘Fat Ronaldo’ haircut, all is not lost. You can still get something out of the competition. There are consolation prizes up for grabs. If you’ve got your pout down to a T and filter your selfie with ‘Sierra’ or ‘Nashville’ (but never ‘1977’ or ‘Kelvin’) on Instagram, you may be in with a shot of winning the Mr Fotongi award. Otherwise, work on developing a unique and ostentatious handshake to greet people and make small talk about the Levante to win the Mr Buena Gente title.

Good luck to all.

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